Moving forward

Chirstmas is a time, to me, when family gets together.  But what happens when you have little or no family to gather with?  I have many times spent Christmas among other families and been part of their celebrations.  This year I chose to be alone.  I chose to think about what Christmas means to me and what role it plays in the rebirth of a spirit.  I am sad to realize that what I hold so dear about Christmas was lost so long ago.  I remember spending Christmas at my aunt's house, when my uncle was still alive.  As a pre-teen everything seemed charged with pretty lights, music, a meal together at the big table and opening gifts that were hidden under the Christmas tree.  I've never been able to give that same feeling to my son, unfortunately.  Perhaps, and there are always the 'what ifs', if I had not moved away from family I would have been the one to carry on that family tradition.  But I did leave and I would not be the person I am had I stayed anyway.  So I can cherish the memories of Christmas and move forward now to find a new meaning, a new family in my future to create and share the renewal of Christmas in a new light. 

Last week I reconciled with my church.  In doing so I felt the warmth of the gift of grace passed to me.  It gave me a new outlook on life with which I can move forward.  I have lost feelings of home and I wish I could go back north.  It is something that never leaves me but it is not yet time.  I look forward to the Camino now with greater fervor.  It is a path I see with clarity and know that I am to find a new direction there.  It is no longer a penance to seek a pilgrimage, but as the priest has told me, it is a way to find a new journey in life.  We are not all so thoroughly good in our beliefs in religion; we are human, and flawed.  But in faith we find something that guides us and makes us not simply a community but opens the doorway to that path that we can journey on to give our life meaning.  I'm not sure it really matters what you chose as your religion.  It is only in faith in something better, whether that is within us or beyond us I don't know that there is much difference.

So when I look for why I want more in life it is not such a selfish desire then.  I find I have an interest in what is the greater world and what is in my world and how I can create a better world all around me.  This semester at the university I am studying in depth the medieval world.  The first book I have to read for the first week of one of my classes is about the 'Cult of Saints', which seems to say, how Christianity developed and why we seek to venerate what we consider holy relics. This is remarkably pertinent to the object of pilgrimage and my pilgrimage, in general, obviously.  And so it gives me thought and guidance through this holiday season that I did not expect to gain.  Perhaps this is all a part of the grace we are given when we begin to understand faith.

Poems

To me, this says it all - and it's only the beginning:

To see the world in a grain of sand,

And heaven in a wild flower,

To hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.

Then it ends with:

God appears, and God is light

To those poor souls who dwell in night;

But does a human form display

To those who dwell in realms of day?

Auguries of Innocence
William Blake

Tuesday to Friday

Well, the giant marshmallow and I did a big one on Tuesday.  I underestimated the distance from point A to point B and back again.  Instead of walking 6 miles up the road we did 8 miles.  It was a beautiful day and we both felt good so we kept going.  But we were tired by the end of the walk.  Big oops.  I need to do more of them. 

Since Tuesday I haven't done much.  It wasn't out of stiffness or soreness but out of a need to finish my classes that I fell so far behind in.  Unfortunately, my condition discouraged responsibility and I read my smutty novels - two of them - Wednesday and Thursday.  I did complete one class, yesterday, and am just about done with the other (to the best of my lackadaisical ability) that is due tonight.  I'm out of the smutty novels, darn it!  Now I have to wait for Amazon to deliver the next 3 in the series!

However, I had some terrific news today!  I may have a partner in my adventure on the Camino and I am so pleased!  Recommendations ususally caution against partnering because of different walking paces and different purposes on the Camino.  But those concerns can easily be addressed when one looks at the adventure as an individual trek accomplished cooperatively.  I can walk my slow tedious pace and I know I will eventually catch up.  Others can walk their pace knowing I'll be along, sometime.  I've not made any hidden agendas for this - my purpose is pretty clear.  I'm so excited!  I hope it works out. 

Letting go

I guess one of the hardest things to learn is how to let go.  I have been hoping that this journey will bring me to look for and see a stronger, more positive person in me.  At times now I am wondering if that will ever be attainable.  A part of yoga class today involved partnering up for one stance and the only one I could partner up with was a man.  I felt like a rabbit wanting to skitter away but being trapped.  Fortunately the teacher caught on to my panic and relieved me, then worked with me when it was my turn to practice.  On the days this has happened, which have been 2 out of 4 days I've been in yoga so far, I don't go away with the ecstatic release I get on the other days.  But I do feel better physically for having done the workout.  I keep thinking of what will happen if I can't learn to trust by the time I go to Spain.  Where would my safe places be then....

I'm escaping into smutty novels to hide away from the world for a while.  Well, they really aren't that smutty I guess, just engrossing enough to put my mind somewhere else and relieve the anxiety.

Daily...

Foggy this morning in the city. I'm trying a post on my iPod.Yoga first thing after an energetic hike yesterday to the dam. I'm at that very sore point where it feels a little more than good. I probably need to drink more water. It's never enough.
My son is coming for Christmas break he says as of Wednesday. I'm looking forward to seeing him. I guess I'm sentimental about Christmas and family more than I admit. I feel as though I have so much to do. I have schoolwork to finish myself. I want to bake some bread and Christmas cookies. Exercising takes a lot of time out of my days. And I have so many phone calls to make, and Christmas cards to get out. Time to head for yoga....

Yoga

Yoga will, I think, help me in a variety of ways.  I think it will help work intrinsic muscles and provide good stretching and balance in a physical workout.  It will help structure my breathing, essential for emotional balance as well as physical performance.  Yoga will get me out and interacting with a variety of new people, and especially with people who are interested in their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  And thus it will provide me with new challenges in interacting with people. 

Wednesdays yoga class was a very large class so everyone was crammed pretty close together.  I was early so I had the opportunity to visit with a number of other early attendees.  Some were talking about being from Minnesota so I jumped in on that conversation.  I remarked how interesting it was that so many folks in this region were originally from Minnesota.  Someone else asked the question of how many of those in the room are originally from Minnesota and everyone but one person raised their hand.  It was very interesting. 

Yoga has been stretching muscles that I have not been working in my daily hiking.  I've had additional challenges with various parts of my feet becoming sore, hamstrings and hips, of course.  At the end of Wednesdays program there was a man who was practicing next to me during guided meditation.  It was too close and I could not focus.  I started having images of my second ex-husband being there and I completely lost it.  I wanted to shout out but I didn't.  I haven't had a panic attack for a long time but I was very much on the verge of hyperventilating because of this incident.  The rest of my day, and the next were used in recovery.  I'm planning to go to yoga again this afternoon, as after a friend is having an art show in town.  I'm confident my experience this time will be better.  And I believe I will keep getting better while I focus on the three areas I am needing to fulfill by yoga - my mind-body-spirit balance. 

Thoughts

This pilgrimage is about learning to understand the mind-body-spirit connection.  So it is about examining where I am at in my mind (emotional/mental), connecting with my body (physical/purifying) and building or rebuilding my spirituality.  In addition to learning and developing these three areas, I am also trying to delve into the connections between all three.  I have, in the not so distant past, been able to connect these areas, but somewhere in the digression of life I have lost the links.  I believe this happens to alot of folks.  It is so easy to lose touch with one's personal needs in today's world. 
I have been having a difficult time getting back into meditating.  Setting aside the time has been a challenge but principally I am having trouble letting go of my thoughts and focusing on the moment.  My spirituality has long been an area of development.  Prior to my second marriage I had a very healthy connection with my spirituality, but I lost it.  As I've grown older I find that spirituality and a connection to having faith in spirituality is more important.  Probably partly because of my interest in history and partly as a search for my own origins and my own definition I am turning once again to seek an understanding of Christianity. 

I was raised a Roman Catholic.  As a determined child I fought against anything my mother tried to teach me.  I rebelled against being a part of the Church.  My mother dragged me through the usual childhood appointments in the Church.  In the end she had to use her familial connections to contact our regional Bishop to get me confirmed in the Church without my willingness to go to the Bible study and camp classes that were part of the educaional program to accomplish my Confession.  At least I think this was the last stage I reached when I completely turned away.  Thereafter she could not force religion upon me and I did not participate.  Religion became associated with her control of my life and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I turned back to begin to look at what religion and faith could provide for my life.

So I turned to Buddhism and meditation.  I understand now that there are common threads to institutionalized religion.  And for my part, I run somewhere between Catholicism and Buddhism today.  As part of my pilgrimage I am looking deeper into spirituality in religion.  Because it is a Catholic pilgrimage route I am trying to learn more about Christianity and the Roman Catholic Church.  I've also developed a goal to seek out Cathedrals of the Church and study them, a general study since architecture only interests me so far. 

Today I attended a Latin Mass.  It determined me to study the mysteries of this religion to gain a better understanding.  I guess, being female, I was supposed to put a lace veil upon my head when I entered.  Missed that one.  I've figured if I get up and going early enough that I can attend Mass in the morning - 7 am for regular mass at the Cathedral, 8 am for Latin Mass at the old church - then spend some time studying until Yoga classes begin at noon.  I joined a yoga program on Monday to help break the knots in my physical being so that I may lose weight and get in better shape for my journey.  There are strong meditative components in both Yoga and Mass.  And after Monday's first Yoga therapy I felt terrific, yesterday I was stiff and sore.  After Mass today, I am inspired.  I want to learn more.  If I got up early enough in the morning I could do Mass at 7 and Yoga at 8:30 and be home by 10:30 for my daily walk.  That might be a little too much at once so I am trying the 8 am Mass, Noon Yoga and time to process in-between.

Catholicism has always been important to me despite my ignorance and unwillingness to embrace it.  I have always felt that  I was born into this religion and I would always claim it to be my fundamental belief system, even if I have strayed so far that the Church would not accept me.  Faith, to me, underlies what it is to move through life and so guides me to who I am and what I can become.  I do not know or do not believe there is one right way to believe, only that there is only one way to have Faith. 

It's been a few days since I've been out walking.  This morning it was 9 below zero when I usually walk.  Saturday we met up with the goddess to walk a ways with brother and sister giant marshmallows.  That was fun.  I found later that I had a hard time not napping most of the afternoon.  Really, I was having a hard time waking up and staying awake.  Checking my blood pressure I found it quite low for me.  Since I have stopped the caffeinated drinks I love so much the caffeine has left my system.  My doctor has said I needed to quit the caffeine and I probably would not need the blood pressure medicine.  Being that I had also been having trouble climbing the stairs for being so weak I decided to cut back.  Sunday I was monitoring my bp all day and it has gone down with this change in diet, exercise, and lack of caffeine.  I feel better on a lower dose and I hope I can get all the way off the medication by this spring.  But the changes in hormones and changes in bp have had me feeling like curling up in the house for a few days.  Not to mention, silly, but I developed a big zit on top of my nose due to the lack of hormones, I suspect, and I'm waiting for that to heal completely before being seen in public!

Never forget

There are always those people who contribute to life's journey that deserve so much more than thanks.  One who has done so for me guided me to take this chance, this new path that I have chosen.  To have this opportunity may be the gift of providence, but to get to the point I am today has taken the encouragement of this one special person and I can only be ever incredibly thankful to know her.  The counselor has been more than a guide to me and today I take the steps to my own destiny.  I don't think I could have done so without her kindness and understanding. And so I say 'thank you' though that is far to little to say for so great a gift I have received.

A few days

It's been a while since I've blogged anything because I've been sorting things out in my mind.  I'm trying hard to catch up with my classes while keeping my appointments and continuing my traning.  It hasn't been working all that well for me.  I'm really on the edge of that abyss again and while I understand why, I haven't been able to effectuate a change.  I'm trying to stop taking a hormone pill and I think this is the major contributor to my mixed feelings about things.  This is the instigator of my sadness and while I wish perhaps I didn't try to stop it now, it is probably better that I do it now than when I am back in classes for spring semester and trying to do so much work.  Being the end of November I also have a number of things changing, like my health insurance and I guess I am worried about my allergy shots.  The pills I am taking only a vacation from because I want to restart my body system.  To help with this I am planning to start yoga classes at least 3 times a week.  This will supplement my already active walking regimen.  I guess I have too many changes taking place at the same time.

I've been mapping out distances and stops along the route to Santiago from Le Puy.  I have some terrific maps for the French region, showing topography, roads, and the pilgrim route all on the same page.  It is very detailed and so much fun to look at.  Also, while on a trip to do research on Monday I started some of the French language tapes.  This will be a challenge as I already do not remember much more than one or two words.

We have been trying to walk 6 miles a day and have been doing well at it.  Today the giant marshmallow cut the pad of her foot, probably on some ice, and was bleeding so I turned around at 1.5 miles so that it didn't get too bad.  Perhaps we will walk to the library this afternoon for a quick trip. Most of that is pavement and not trail so it should be a little easier on the marshmallows feet. 

Thank you

A big "Thank You" on this day to all of you who have been such good and supportive friends to me.  Perhaps you cannot imagine how much your little sentiments of support can have an impact, but they do and they have.  I could not have arrived at where I am today without your support.  And a special "Thank You" to the counselor, who has given me so much to think about!

My son has arrived to spend some little time with me.  The slopes open tomorrow so he has his priorities as well.  But he is here, now, and he is happy and healthy and I can't help but be thankful for that.  He's shown me pictures of his friends, talked about his trip to North Dakota, and shared stories of his college adventures and I can't imagine anything better. 

The giant marshmallow is going stir crazy because the snow and the fact that it is still hunting season has kept us cooped up for 5 days.  Soon November will be over with, December will be here, and despite the snow it will be safe to walk the Forest Service roads when the trail is blocked.  I am thankful there are so many alternative routes to hike around here for my training.

Snow days

Saturday it snowed here - a lot.  I've been working on a paper for one of my classes and trying to get caught up on things around the house.  So I haven't been getting out to walk as much.  Yesterday we went a short distance and turned around to go and get snowshoes; it is that deep.  I feel bad trying to walk down a trail someone has blazed a cross country ski trail on but with the snowshoes it maybe isn't so bad.  We walked to the post office and it was remarkably warm out.  The snow was melting fast and for the 1/2 mile it was to get to the PO I was breathing hard and sweating more than I have on my longer walks.  I suppose this is a good thing.  My butt muscles were terribly sore too.  The giant marshmallow kept stepping on my snowshoes, I can only guess she was thinking it was funny. 

I got my new guidebook yesterday on the section of the trip from Le Puy to the Pyrenees.  It looks like a more rugged section so I am hoping  this is a reasonable idea.  The scenery is fabulous however.  And, quite remarkably, I got a novel yesterday too, of one of my favorite fiction authors, Kate Mosse.  In the second chapter is described an old tower chapel whereby the description seems to come right out of my guidebook.  It's very interesting.  The story takes place in the same region of France.  I like Mosse's work because it is so gothic.  She uses French settings and mixes in a little paranormal experience with ghosts in the old settings where the story takes place. 

Time and Redemption

I went to look up what the time difference is in France and Spain and it is 8 hours ahead of us here.  That got me thinking about how convenient up-to-date information is across the globe so I looked at the weather in Santiago and it is 52 degrees and cloudy with a chance of rain.  It was, of course, mid-day there when I looked it up.  I am able to post the temperatures anywhere on my desktop so I now have my hometown, this town and Santiago, Spain weatherbug's on my desktop.  For the record it is 29 degrees here today as a comparison to the weather in Spain!

I have been thinking of redemption lately and what a wonderful concept it really is.  If one truly works hard enough one can completely change the way they are, what they do, and how they interact with people.  It is possible but it is a long, hard road to redeem oneself.  I suppose there are different levels depending on how deeply one needs redemption.  For the most grievous the road is difficult, but once committed to the path one can complete it in time.  I am on this road of redemption, this I know.  I may not know what I am seeking to redeem, but I do know that I want to change my life, the direction of my life, and come out of this experience with a new outlook and a stronger sense of self. 

Another start

Last thursday night we went to the movie about the Camino called The Way.  It was a good movie.  It encourages me to go further and as the characters reached Santiago I had the same excitement and amazement as I think they portrayed in the film.  There is, I believe, a 3-fold way to happiness and health for oneself and that encompasses the body (physical), mind and spirit.  Over the weekend I went to St. Paul's Cathedral to walk around and see what a cathedral really looks like.  I wanted also to be inspired to make the changes in my life, though I don't know how or what they may be in the end.  I walked around the cathedral reading all the information about how it was built, who the saints were that were celebrated here, and what were the meanings of the cathedral's design.  I sat in a pew and observed the choir practicing, people moving about and when a strange man asked to pass me in the pew though there were many other open pews I took it as a sign to move on.  I went downstairs to where I had come in having seen most people entering through the basement earlier during mass.  There is a gift shop of sorts there, a hallway to a museum that is under construction and a chapel.  Doors lead elsewhere beneath the cathedral and people passed in and out.  I went into the Cana Chapel and it was shadowy there.  I went to the front of the chapel and knelt down. People were passing by behind me, I could hear them, then someone turned on the lights.  It wasn't so dark a person couldn't see and I was happy to be in the shadows.  Enough light came in through the chapel windows.  As I knelt in the chapel I was overwhelmed by a sorrow I couldn't define.  It was something of a loss of the time in my past that has not been well spent.  I felt as though this was the beginning of my spiritual journey and that many more tears would fall before I reach Santiago.  It was a cleansing sorrow and I am so thankful that I have had this chance beginning.  There is a reason for this pilgrimage beyond walking the miles and I hope to find the reason for me.  Then, as the characters in the movie had to answer the question to get their Compostela at Santiago, I will be able to say how the Camino changed my life. 

I'm free

At last I am done at the library.  There is something so liberating about it that deep down I am happy.  That hasn't happened for some time so it is a wonderful feeling.  At least for the rest of the month I am not planning to look for any work.  I want to develop a new routine, get out and be walking, and see how things go.  I need rest.  I am so tired so much that I need this time to recuperate.  I have plenty to do around the house in getting ready for Spain. 

Yesterday I was researching starting farther east into France.  I am looking at starting my pilgrimage from Le Puy en Velay, another 500 miles back in France.  The trek is very much more rugged but I have so wanted to see more of France and this would be a great opportunity to do so.  There is the time concern, but from all the records I could still go from Le Puy to Santiago and on to Finisterre in the 3 months I have set aside.  I ordered a book to get a clearer idea of the route.  Now I feel like I need some maps of France and Spain. 

Midnight

I fell asleep on the couch very early this evening so now I am awake in the middle of the night.  I was restless in bed so I thought it would be fun to jump in the hot tub.  The moon is almost full tonight, casting sparkles to the frost on the grass.  The deer passed quietly through the yard in the cover of the darkness.  It is hunting season so they choose to be sneaky. The hot tub was fun and very steamy in the cold of the night.  The thermometer says its 28 degrees. 

I have recently talked to two of my favorite men friends and since I am wondering where I will end up, or where I want to live I asked the first M and he said, of course, the lake.  The second M said he thought this is the best place in the country to be, another of course.  Both find their happiness tied to the things they like to do best in life.  The first M loves the water, boats, flies planes, and in the winter when the water is frozen he always says he needs to go south to Florida for a bit to find some open water.  The second M is a climber, and this is a climbers paradise for certain, and he was telling me that there is a sky divers club about 50 miles down south and that he is excited to get back involved in sky diving.  I see that the trick for me is to find what most satisfies me and occupies my time and there I will want to be. 

I have been more and more excited to tell people about my planned trip to Spain.  I went to see my doctor today because I have a sore throat that keeps getting worse and he asked me how it was that I haven't gone back to my hometown yet as I had told him.  So I told him about my plans for Spain and my teaching assistantship next fall, and how this is my last week of work.  Same thing happened at the post office when I ran into a couple old friends (who didn't know each other at all) and I was excited to tell them of my plans.  Then as I was surfing the internet and checking on the movie The Way I discovered it is showing nearby and I am planning to go tonight (Wednesday).  I have to call and share this with my bookclub and see if they want to go.  I can hardly wait to see it - it is getting such great reviews by people who have done the Camino and others who have not.  Everything seems to be coming together so well I am so happy for the changes and the benefits I have right now. 

Winter adjustments

It's been very cold the last two days so I've only made it 4 miles each day.  Yesterday I had a hard time warming back up so I (so tough) had to go sit in the hot tub for a while.  I tried to read my trashy novel in there but my hands kept freezing when they were out of the water too long.  Today starts the last week of work for me and I am very excited about it.  I really enjoy my weekends and am looking forward to having them all week long now.  I've been mapping out my day, am planning to walk later in the day when it is warmer in winter, and read first thing, then read again after walking.  I am taking classes this January in Medieval Europe and Wars of Religion, two of my favorite topics.  I have lots of books on this period so I am excited to be studying it in a formal sense.  Life is really good.

I have a hard time with the concept of turning the clock back and discovered that this year I was way off in my assumption of what time it would be light out again.  I was very surprised and happy to learn that it is light out by 6 am again so when I wake up in the morning I don't have to sit in the dark so long.  Oh, the trials of being an early riser! But I did decide it is simply too cold to walk this early and I am looking forward to walking after the sun warms things up a bit.  It will be an adjustment for the marshmallow too but I think she will get used to it alright.

A Giant Snowball

We got to our daily average mileage today at 10 miles up the trail.  The giant marshmallow is turning into a giant snowball for as much as she loves the snow.  A little bit is left on the trail in the shady places and she was happiest bouncing in the crusty white stuff.  My shoes did very well and although my socks are wet my new shoes were never very uncomfortable in the snow or after shuffling through it and getting covered in it.  My feet were a little cold after a while but I thought perhaps that might help with the swelling that I usually experience when I walk so far. 

I am so excited about Spain.  Everyday is a new excitement about traveling to Europe and seeing the old cathedrals, homes and towns that have been there for hundreds of years.  It really makes me think about how young everything is out here in the West and how petty our issues of being from this town or that place can be.  I too am a pioneer in my everyday explorations though I live in a time where comfort and communications do not mean isolation.  I am chosing a life that few people choose because they are satisfied with where they are at and I want to find more, experience more, and live more than I have been. 

Elevation

I've had some questions about crossing the Pyrenees so I went online to try to find out what I am getting into.  Yes there are peaks in the Pyrenees above 11,000 feet but where I will be crossing them the elevation is around 4200 feet.  The highest peak comes later, closer to Santiago, and that one, Alto de Cerezales, is only 4921 feet. Of course they measure in meters so I had to convert the meters to feet. While this may not seem high considering our town is at or above 5000 feet, consider that the first peak, in the Lepoeder, is a climb of over 3,000 vertical feet in a little over 10 miles.  That is considerably steeper than anything we have around here.  So my training will include as much vertical climbing as I can muster. 

Today I went out to the wilderness area to start a bit of elevation work.  I absolutely loved it.  It was so quiet out there being the middle of the week.  The snow from Tuesday was still on the trail and the giant marshmallow was romping through the bushes and trees and having a terrific time.  The route we took was around 4 miles long though it is hard to judge from the maps the exact distance or elevation. I didn't get to take the hike that I had planned on doing today because there is much logging going on around the perimeter of the wilderness area.  I hope I can still get to my favorite places though before I leave in the spring.

Change

I love change.  It keeps life interesting.  But then when there are unknowns I worry so that change causes me stress.  Last week I called my landlord to ask if he would let me out of my lease.  I don't think I left the message real coherently and I probably did not say all that I meant to say when I left the message.  I haven't heard back yet.  Then I don't know if I will get one of the two jobs I applied for anyway.  And I do enjoy staying in this house.  I know the area and there are so many places I can take the giant marshmallow hiking when we have the time to do so.  It would be fine to stay here but then I worry about the 'what ifs' should I get offered a job or I want to move to the lake for the winter for a change of scenery.  So once again I am in a pickle about the future and I think I worry too much about it.  I get crabby and then I don't have a good time at anything I do and I tend to neglect things I should do.  Really I should trust that I am on the right path and what needs to happen will happen when it is the right time for it to happen. 

Sunday

We made another 9 miles in the new shoes today.  The giant marshmallow is funny sometimes.  When we walk along and don't see anyone she gets into a good pace at my side.  If we pass someone on the trail she perks up and gets excited, then wants to play tug-of-war with the leash.  It is as though she wakes from her meditation refreshed and ready to go despite the miles she has already walked.  I am sure she was exhausted yesterday and tired today but that doesn't slow her down when she sees new people on the trail. 

I have had little profound thinking lately.  It has been enjoyable this weekend to simply feel good when I am walking and tired after.  I was very footsore yesterday but not joint sore and that is exactly where I should be in my training.  The new shoes make a big difference and being that I am almost done with full-time work I am enthusiastic about hitting the longer trails in the wilderness area too.  I am interested to see how it will go with the giant marshmallow to be on those narrow trails with their rocky outcrops, rough terrain, and big ups and downs.  She is a bit clumsy overall.  Maybe next weekend we will make a point of it. 

A long walk

Just got back from a 14 mile walk in my new shoes.  It's the furthest I've gone so far.  I didn't think I would go that far but it was a nice morning and I have little to do the rest of the day.  The shoes worked great and though I would expect to have sore feet after walking 14 miles I don't have any sore joints, and I felt I was walking the way I was made to walk for the first time in a long time today.  I've started  a paper record of the miles I walk each day, and have added my blood pressure when I get back (for my doctor of course because I want to get off the blood pressure pills before the trip).  I want to see how far I go before the shoes start to wear out. 

I brought a leg bone back for the giant marshmallow.  She has been restless during the week so I hope the bone lasts a while.  She gets so excited to see all those cow bones and loves to play.  If I let her she will take the bones just off the trail in the woods and bury them - better tasting after they have softened in the ground for a while I guess.  I am going to watch a movie while I eat my baked potato and bacon soup then go sit in my chair and read till I fall asleep. 

Born under a wandering star

I woke this morning with the old Lee Marvin song "I was born under a wandering star" from the movie Paint Your Wagon in my head.  I suppose it is because we discussed this subject at book club last night.  Paint Your Wagon is one of my all-time favorite movies.  If you have never seen it I highly recommend it.  The wanderer is a type of person who follows his dreams and desires; enjoys life to its fullest; spends his time with others like him on the road of life; lives, loves, and moves on as the wind takes him.  I've done this a time or two in my life and I can say I have never been happier than when I have been completely free and wandering. There is a feeling that takes you with it on the wind and sends you on to experience all that life can throw at you with enthusiasm and desire to live it.  There is comraderie in your fellow wanderers that never goes away, even if you fall off the wagon and return to the common life.  You can always get back on and go wandering again.  The spirit follows you whereever you go.  Perhaps that is what grabs me so.  I was never so free as the time I ran away to the mountains for a week and did not tell anyone where I went.  I simply disappeared to the wilderness and the wilderness took me in.  It cradled me and it comforted me and it spit me back out a stronger person.  In the world today I forget that I can go back there and find peace.  If I was "born under a wandering star" then that is where my happiness will always lie.

Also, from my favorite book series by JRR Tolkein:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

A wandering life

I think I've always liked to wander.  When I was young my dad let me take the boat out whenever I wanted.  I would go off and explore around the lake or go to places I liked to be and just sit there.  It was a big lake so there were lots of places to go.  For the last 30 years I have been trying to fit into the social organization of being an adult in this world and it simply doesn't seem to work for me.  I need to explore and to wander, to go places and make new friends.  It's essential to who I am.  Living the work-a-day world isn't really me.  I want to learn new things, share those things with others, and explore the great wonder that is the world today.  It is clear to me that I cannot be satisfied with what I have and not want more.  The wanting is not a material want but a spiritual want - a want to fill my life with the good things and the challenges that adventure can bring.  So, here I go, off into the world to find that wonder. 

Nightmares and daydreams

I had a dream last night that was very real.  I felt everything in the dream.  I was being attacked by what my mind referred to as a lion but I can only assume was a saber-toothed tiger.  I saw and felt the long front canines pierce my ribcage and tear into my abdomen.  I felt myself dying.  I was screaming in my dream and I woke up.  Where in the world would such a dream come from? 

As I walked this morning I enjoyed looking at the pink clouds in the sky with the dawn, the shapes of the tops of the trees against the blue of the morning sky, and I saw a red-tailed hawk sitting at the crest of a pine tree searching the ground below for his breakfast.  I think about the Camino most of the time when I walk and I am looking forward to the adventure so much.  I have been thinking of going to the City next weekend so I can see the movie The Way.  I have things I need to bring to my sister's house to store there anyway and I would, I think, enjoy a weekend away.

I usually forgot all the things I think of to post while I am walking.  There was something good this morning that I wanted to share and now I have forgotten.  I try to think of what the ground will look like, and the countryside in Spain and I imagine how I might feel as I spend each day with a goal to walk and nothing else.  I found my Gregory backpack yesterday but am thinking perhaps I will want the Osprey instead.  I need to make sure whatever I take can be taken on the plane and maybe the Osprey is too long.  I look forward to being done with my job so I can walk more, think more, day-dream more and still get my schoolwork done.  Ha!

A friend found out his divorce was final yesterday and he was very elated.  We celebrated by texting each other.  It is so hard to have your life put on hold for whatever reason, and not to be able to seek out your future openly and with the full concentration of your intentions.

Bones

Walked 11 miles this morning.  The giant marshmallow found the bones of a cow killed along the trail.  Perhaps it is a sign of a mountain lion visitation or perhaps the cow simply died along the trail.  The giant marshmallow was very excited by finding bones.  She loves bones.  She chose a nice long rib bone and happily carried it down the trail, occassionally tossing it in the air and once in a while taking a bite out of the tip.  Eventually she wanted to sit down and work on it but that wasn't part of the morning plan so we had to leave the bone behind. 

She remembered a creek close to the trail about 5 miles out and went straight for a drink today.  Then she wanted to take a swim in the pond but I didn't trust her on that.  Later as we walked past the creek she wanted to try another new spot and nearly pulled me in with her.  She's getting more bold about what she wants and far be it for me to object if she is determined. 

I was thinking about those who criticize my choices in lifestyle and direction.  For some reason the criticisms really get under my skin when it is someone I admire, respect or feel close to.  It gets really crazy in my perspective when the same people who criticize openly share their admiration for certain aspects of my choices that are actually intrinsic to the rest of my lifestyle.  I wonder if these peope are simply not happy or if it has become part of their lifestyle to criticize what they do not understand.  I am going to try to let criticism slide off me from now on so that I have the greatest potential to obtain my objective as possible. 

Age

I think that when we are young we do all the crazy stuff and experiment all over the place to discover who we are and what our direction in life may be.  Then as we reach middle age we begin to focus on what we have always wanted to do, our path is refined and we build a direction.  Anyone who accomplishes these two steps earlier than middle age is very lucky to have found direction and focus so early.  Most of us, I think, flounder and experiment for a very long time.

Yesterday would have been my father's 70th birthday, or 68th birthday - I can never be sure of which year he was born.  He was pushed by his mother into a working field that was not his first choice.  But I think by the time he was in his 40's he was a happy person.  I don't think he ever really did what he wanted to in that life.  It is surprising to me how many people simply accept life as it is and just make do.  I don't quite know what it is about my personality that doesn't allow me to simply accept a life and forces me to find what really invigorates my self.  I go a little stir crazy when I look at just maintaining the way things are without creating something new and interesting to look forward to.

Shoes

I went to a specialty store yesterday to look at getting some new shoes that I can test out for the trip.  My thought was that some running/walking shoes may be better than hiking boots.  I have had a lot of hiking boots and if the terrain isn't bouldery I know that I will do better with running/walking shoes.  The saleswomen had some good observations about how I walk and what might work better for my journey.  Since running shoes last 300-500 miles I might be able to get by with one pair but later a friend mentioned that if the shoes are not heavy it might be worthwhile to carry two pairs, an extra pair for if the first pair are wet or worn.  I think this sounds good to me.  I ordered a pair of running shoes that will help keep my foot from rolling inward and thus keep my walking straighter and cause less joint and muscle discomfort.  I'm looking forward to trying them out.  I had planned to spend around $300 on footwear and I think this will come in about right if I get a pair now and then 2 new pairs prior to going to Spain. 

I could tell the difference just walking in the store with a too-narrow pair so I am excited to see what a difference a new wide pair of shoes will make. My feet hurt every day and I've still got some problems with my hip, though not as bad.  I think the way the shoes are designed will help straighten out my walking pattern.  I am also having trouble with a very tight tendon on my left leg that may be from overcompensating on my right side. Perhaps adjusting for this right foot rolling will correct the imbalance. 

Another day

I have been so relieved since I turned in my resignation.  Much of my depression has lifted and my outlook is so much more positive that I cannot believe I waited so long to do this.  I should have gone to Spain this year and resigned last winter.  But things, I believe, happen for a reason and this is now my time to make change happen for me. 

I have two girls staying with me while their mother is on vacation.  I thought it would be a good distraction, but instead it is becoming something of a frustration.  The younger girl is so manipulative and demanding to be the center of attention that she has developed habits that continuously get her into trouble in order to get attention.  She is resistant to hygiene claiming incapacity and hence the couch in this house, not very clean in the first place, now smells of urine and I am disgusted.  The older daughter is wonderful and one of the best adjusted youth of her age that I know - and I know a number of children.  This too shall pass.

This morning I had the opportunity to walk with the giant marshmallow a full 6 miles without the accompaniment of children and it was wonderful.  I can hardly wait until I can do this every day.  It is so beautiful out in the fall and the temperatures are so moderate that walking is a pleasure no matter how far I can go.

The goddess came over yesterday with her two monkeys and it was such a nice afternoon having them visit.  It really helped my perspective on the girls I am watching.  I very much enjoy visiting with the goddess.  She has invited me for Thanksgiving and I have told her that I am going to adopt her as my family. 

Killing time

I am watching two of my girlfriends daughters for two weeks.  It's going to be hard not following my own schedule.  Me and the marshmallow only did 2 miles this morning because we had to get back to make breakfast.  I really want to go for a longer walk. 

The boys were here for the hot tub last night.  What a difference college makes.  It's their time to explore their own humanity.  A bit scary for a mom but life is about the journey....

Today

Up early today to walk 5 miles under the light of the full moon.  We missed our walk yesterday because I had a dental appointment so early in the morning.  The giant marshmallow was a bit stir crazy without walking in the morning.  But today made up for it. 

I agreed to watch a friends two girls for two weeks yesterday.  I hope this was a good idea.  I adore the girls but being girls they do fight.  And, they have to be to school and be fed and kept entertained too.   I guess I think their presence may be enough of a distraction that I will be better focused on what needs to get done daily so I am not off watching movies so often.  I hope this works.  Plus they can help me organize at my storage garage on the weekend.  It may be easier for them to climb through all the clutter to get to the things I need to collect better than it would be for me.  I wish I had thought to put the camping gear nearer the front of the garage instead of against the back wall, or at least been thoughtful enough to get the stuff I will need for the trip to Spain out of the tubs before I put them away.  Oh well.  I should also collect my photographs and send them with my sister to store in her house so they aren't in the temperature extremes of the garage.  Lots of things to do and I hope it will be beneficial to have the girls with me. 

Decisions

I believe I have come to a decision to make a major change now rather than to wait.  I just hate my job so much I think it will be better if I leave as soon as possible.  It isn't the job I dislike as some of the people I have to work with.  And for that reason I will be better off, and I hope a happier person, if I get away.  Plus, if I continue much longer I am afraid I will do or say something that I will regret for a long time.  Perhaps I have already waited too long.  I am going to try to get out of my rental lease and maybe I will go north for a while and rest my mind.  I have to prioritize and to me my schooling must come first if I am ever going to make a successful change.  If I have to stay here maybe I can get a job in town to keep my expenses under control until I go to Spain.  I have a board meeting tonight.  I wonder if the time is right to make the change official....

10 miles today

It's a misty, wet morning but we hit the trail and made it to the 10 mile mark today.  It was terrific.  I love it when the clouds cover the tops of the hills and the mist is so light it feels like humidity. 

Twenty years

Today I have lived in these hills for 20 years.  It is also the anniversary of my father's death 23 years ago today.  I have missed him every day.  I can't say the last 20 years has been good to me but I can say I have learned a lot and I am a different person than I was before I came.  I don't think I've ever gotten over the loss of my father and I have never found someone to fill that space despite years of effort to do so.  I miss him so much. 

Monday morning

Mondays I am such an unhappy person.  I dread Mondays because I have to go back to work.  But it isn't a simple dread of a work-a-day routine.  It makes me so incredibly unhappy to have to go to work that I know I desperately need a change.  You know the work isn't really all that bad.  But I think the things that have taken place there over the last couple of years have destroyed my dedication and desire to make a difference and so my interest has been lost and I no longer wish to perform my duties to the growth and advancement of the position. 

I walked 8 miles yesterday.  I didn't want to walk at all but I did want to go further than I had last weekend.  I may not want to walk but I do it anyway because I have a goal and that is to go to the Camino.  With my job I no longer have something to work toward.  There is little to nothing that holds my interest.  So I go now to maintain the business as it is until such time as I can afford to leave.  But every day I dread going there and every day I come home exhausted.  Maybe leaving sooner rather than later would help.  I really do not know. 

Inevitability

Do you know that feeling you get when you meet someone and it feels like it wasn't just chance that brought you to that place and time to connect with this person?  It happened this morning on my walk that I met with a young woman I know and she started talking about her indecision about a direction in her life.  I had such an odd feeling that this was meant to happen.  So I went with it and had a nice talk with her.  She is at a crossroad in her life and is looking for direction.  Far be it for me to be a guide but what I could tell her was that she would not find her answer in any one solution.  Life is many choices made every day and by making the choice to do one thing today won't solve your concerns about tomorrow.  You do the best you can and hope the best will come. 

I am also learning that by taking care of myself, making myself happy, brings better things into my life as well.  I walked 5 miles today and I am going to go upstairs and stretch and meditate before my shower.  Then I will run my errands and come home to read.  It is Saturday and that means it is my day to relax and get caught up in my reading.  It will be a good day. 

About sin

Are we not all born sinners?  Isn't that the purpose of baptism?  I do not know all the sins I have committed in this lifetime but I am sure there are many.  I know I have not committed any grievous sins, but they are sins nonetheless.  Would it not be amazing if such a thing as a pilgrimage really did give a new lease on life?  A baptism, a cleansing of the soul? 

And what is enlightenment?  It must be different for each person.  Every time I have had a brilliant new insight I think I am enlightened.  But it never stops.  Probably it should never stop or we would stop growing as humans.  Learning, especially about ourselves, is what makes us human, isn't it? 

In the telling

Tonight I shared my blog with more people.  These friends have been meeting with me in my book club for 3 1/2 years and we have talked about the Camino on a number of occassions.  We even read Shirley MacLaine's book The Camino together.  This month (October) we will read Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage together so I thought it an opportune time to go public with my plans. 

It's hard for me to share this blog.  Harder than I thought.  Most people probably do not see how intensely introverted I am.  They do not know how little they really know of me.  To keep an online journal means to put yourself out there for the whole world to read about.  It's a pretty scary thing especially to such a private person as I am.  But this is all part of the process, a part of the change and the growth.  To put my thoughts into print for those trusted ones I have chosen to share this information with, and those that they trust and share my address with. 

It is a long road to get to Spain.  It will take a great deal of time.  Most of the preparation for me is in my mind.  To be ready, to be open to the change, is the most important preparation I can make.  So I open my heart to this blog in hopes that my world will grow and my friends will understand. 

Miles to go

Walked 5 miles this morning.  It is a perfect morning to walk.  The aspens are starting to turn in some places, shrubs are losing their leaves and the birches are in full color.  The giant marshmallow did well but even she got tired.  I feel good.  My feet are getting better but I have a cramp in my right foot that won't work itself out.  The bad hip isn't pinching anymore so I think the 2 miles during the weekdays have done some good.  I hope I can keep increasing the weekends to get up to 10 miles a day.

Yesterday was my easy day in anticipation of doing more today.  I loaded up on my favorite pasta last night but when I got up this morning I wasn't sure I wanted to walk at all.  I'm glad we accomplished all the miles we did.  I hope I can do it again tomorrow.  This weekend is pretty free now so maybe I can get some good organizing done.  Still need to put more in the storage garage.  And I still need to get the rest of my clothes out of there so I can sort through them and get rid of some stuff.

I wish I hadn't put the backpacking gear in the far back of the garage.  I think about getting the stuff out that I will need for the Camino about everyday.  I don't know how I'm going to get all the way back in there.  I keep telling myself that when I get the Christmas decorations out I can climb through to the back and dig around.  I don't know if I should wait that long since by November it will be cold.  Patience is not a necessary here really.   

Being mindful

Today being mindful means remembering my goal to go to the Camino de Santiago in May.  I get so caught up in my day-to-day task that I lose sight of my goals.  My work went easy and well yesterday so I enjoyed the day.  I watched as the storm made the waves white cap on the lake over the internet webcam. I love it when it does that. Then I lose track of my direction and forget where I want to be.  I want to go to Santiago, to see the cathedral, to walk the path of thousands of other pilgrims.  Then I can return and find a new path to follow.  But until then I need to focus on my objectives, get things done, and be ready for the experience. 

Walking

Walking every day. Some days it is only 2 miles, some days more.  I've cut back on my efforts to get up to 5 miles per day quickly.  My body wasn't liking it much.  Time is also a factor; there isn't enough of it.  It's great that the mornings are cooler and the trees are turning.  Autumn is really my favorite time of the year. The birches are turning already. 

The doctor says I shouldn't stop the allergy shots for the summer.  The nurses say I am not really all that far into developing antibodies and since Europe is such a different environment I may not have all the allergies there that I do here.  It won't be possible to carry the shots with me.  I hope my allergies are better there.

A lost night

Let me go to Spain to atone for my sins in this life and the past.  Let me cleanse my spirit and return something new.  Let me walk away from before and toward a better future.  Help me to find what can be.

Another day

I am excited about my commitment to go on the Camino de Santiago.  It is in my thoughts constantly.  I use it to boost my spirits and have something promising to look forward to.  Some days get so bleak that I don't know where I am going.  But I have a direction for a short time next year and that gives me hope that I will find another direction to follow when I begin on this path. 

At first

When at first you plan to take a pilgrimage it seems that the time is so far away. What can I do to bring it to me this day and all the days until I journey?  Today is the first day of my pilgrimage.  From today every day is part of the journey and every day after will be the culmination of the pilgrimage.