Moving forward

Chirstmas is a time, to me, when family gets together.  But what happens when you have little or no family to gather with?  I have many times spent Christmas among other families and been part of their celebrations.  This year I chose to be alone.  I chose to think about what Christmas means to me and what role it plays in the rebirth of a spirit.  I am sad to realize that what I hold so dear about Christmas was lost so long ago.  I remember spending Christmas at my aunt's house, when my uncle was still alive.  As a pre-teen everything seemed charged with pretty lights, music, a meal together at the big table and opening gifts that were hidden under the Christmas tree.  I've never been able to give that same feeling to my son, unfortunately.  Perhaps, and there are always the 'what ifs', if I had not moved away from family I would have been the one to carry on that family tradition.  But I did leave and I would not be the person I am had I stayed anyway.  So I can cherish the memories of Christmas and move forward now to find a new meaning, a new family in my future to create and share the renewal of Christmas in a new light. 

Last week I reconciled with my church.  In doing so I felt the warmth of the gift of grace passed to me.  It gave me a new outlook on life with which I can move forward.  I have lost feelings of home and I wish I could go back north.  It is something that never leaves me but it is not yet time.  I look forward to the Camino now with greater fervor.  It is a path I see with clarity and know that I am to find a new direction there.  It is no longer a penance to seek a pilgrimage, but as the priest has told me, it is a way to find a new journey in life.  We are not all so thoroughly good in our beliefs in religion; we are human, and flawed.  But in faith we find something that guides us and makes us not simply a community but opens the doorway to that path that we can journey on to give our life meaning.  I'm not sure it really matters what you chose as your religion.  It is only in faith in something better, whether that is within us or beyond us I don't know that there is much difference.

So when I look for why I want more in life it is not such a selfish desire then.  I find I have an interest in what is the greater world and what is in my world and how I can create a better world all around me.  This semester at the university I am studying in depth the medieval world.  The first book I have to read for the first week of one of my classes is about the 'Cult of Saints', which seems to say, how Christianity developed and why we seek to venerate what we consider holy relics. This is remarkably pertinent to the object of pilgrimage and my pilgrimage, in general, obviously.  And so it gives me thought and guidance through this holiday season that I did not expect to gain.  Perhaps this is all a part of the grace we are given when we begin to understand faith.

Poems

To me, this says it all - and it's only the beginning:

To see the world in a grain of sand,

And heaven in a wild flower,

To hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.

Then it ends with:

God appears, and God is light

To those poor souls who dwell in night;

But does a human form display

To those who dwell in realms of day?

Auguries of Innocence
William Blake

Tuesday to Friday

Well, the giant marshmallow and I did a big one on Tuesday.  I underestimated the distance from point A to point B and back again.  Instead of walking 6 miles up the road we did 8 miles.  It was a beautiful day and we both felt good so we kept going.  But we were tired by the end of the walk.  Big oops.  I need to do more of them. 

Since Tuesday I haven't done much.  It wasn't out of stiffness or soreness but out of a need to finish my classes that I fell so far behind in.  Unfortunately, my condition discouraged responsibility and I read my smutty novels - two of them - Wednesday and Thursday.  I did complete one class, yesterday, and am just about done with the other (to the best of my lackadaisical ability) that is due tonight.  I'm out of the smutty novels, darn it!  Now I have to wait for Amazon to deliver the next 3 in the series!

However, I had some terrific news today!  I may have a partner in my adventure on the Camino and I am so pleased!  Recommendations ususally caution against partnering because of different walking paces and different purposes on the Camino.  But those concerns can easily be addressed when one looks at the adventure as an individual trek accomplished cooperatively.  I can walk my slow tedious pace and I know I will eventually catch up.  Others can walk their pace knowing I'll be along, sometime.  I've not made any hidden agendas for this - my purpose is pretty clear.  I'm so excited!  I hope it works out. 

Letting go

I guess one of the hardest things to learn is how to let go.  I have been hoping that this journey will bring me to look for and see a stronger, more positive person in me.  At times now I am wondering if that will ever be attainable.  A part of yoga class today involved partnering up for one stance and the only one I could partner up with was a man.  I felt like a rabbit wanting to skitter away but being trapped.  Fortunately the teacher caught on to my panic and relieved me, then worked with me when it was my turn to practice.  On the days this has happened, which have been 2 out of 4 days I've been in yoga so far, I don't go away with the ecstatic release I get on the other days.  But I do feel better physically for having done the workout.  I keep thinking of what will happen if I can't learn to trust by the time I go to Spain.  Where would my safe places be then....

I'm escaping into smutty novels to hide away from the world for a while.  Well, they really aren't that smutty I guess, just engrossing enough to put my mind somewhere else and relieve the anxiety.

Daily...

Foggy this morning in the city. I'm trying a post on my iPod.Yoga first thing after an energetic hike yesterday to the dam. I'm at that very sore point where it feels a little more than good. I probably need to drink more water. It's never enough.
My son is coming for Christmas break he says as of Wednesday. I'm looking forward to seeing him. I guess I'm sentimental about Christmas and family more than I admit. I feel as though I have so much to do. I have schoolwork to finish myself. I want to bake some bread and Christmas cookies. Exercising takes a lot of time out of my days. And I have so many phone calls to make, and Christmas cards to get out. Time to head for yoga....

Yoga

Yoga will, I think, help me in a variety of ways.  I think it will help work intrinsic muscles and provide good stretching and balance in a physical workout.  It will help structure my breathing, essential for emotional balance as well as physical performance.  Yoga will get me out and interacting with a variety of new people, and especially with people who are interested in their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  And thus it will provide me with new challenges in interacting with people. 

Wednesdays yoga class was a very large class so everyone was crammed pretty close together.  I was early so I had the opportunity to visit with a number of other early attendees.  Some were talking about being from Minnesota so I jumped in on that conversation.  I remarked how interesting it was that so many folks in this region were originally from Minnesota.  Someone else asked the question of how many of those in the room are originally from Minnesota and everyone but one person raised their hand.  It was very interesting. 

Yoga has been stretching muscles that I have not been working in my daily hiking.  I've had additional challenges with various parts of my feet becoming sore, hamstrings and hips, of course.  At the end of Wednesdays program there was a man who was practicing next to me during guided meditation.  It was too close and I could not focus.  I started having images of my second ex-husband being there and I completely lost it.  I wanted to shout out but I didn't.  I haven't had a panic attack for a long time but I was very much on the verge of hyperventilating because of this incident.  The rest of my day, and the next were used in recovery.  I'm planning to go to yoga again this afternoon, as after a friend is having an art show in town.  I'm confident my experience this time will be better.  And I believe I will keep getting better while I focus on the three areas I am needing to fulfill by yoga - my mind-body-spirit balance. 

Thoughts

This pilgrimage is about learning to understand the mind-body-spirit connection.  So it is about examining where I am at in my mind (emotional/mental), connecting with my body (physical/purifying) and building or rebuilding my spirituality.  In addition to learning and developing these three areas, I am also trying to delve into the connections between all three.  I have, in the not so distant past, been able to connect these areas, but somewhere in the digression of life I have lost the links.  I believe this happens to alot of folks.  It is so easy to lose touch with one's personal needs in today's world. 
I have been having a difficult time getting back into meditating.  Setting aside the time has been a challenge but principally I am having trouble letting go of my thoughts and focusing on the moment.  My spirituality has long been an area of development.  Prior to my second marriage I had a very healthy connection with my spirituality, but I lost it.  As I've grown older I find that spirituality and a connection to having faith in spirituality is more important.  Probably partly because of my interest in history and partly as a search for my own origins and my own definition I am turning once again to seek an understanding of Christianity. 

I was raised a Roman Catholic.  As a determined child I fought against anything my mother tried to teach me.  I rebelled against being a part of the Church.  My mother dragged me through the usual childhood appointments in the Church.  In the end she had to use her familial connections to contact our regional Bishop to get me confirmed in the Church without my willingness to go to the Bible study and camp classes that were part of the educaional program to accomplish my Confession.  At least I think this was the last stage I reached when I completely turned away.  Thereafter she could not force religion upon me and I did not participate.  Religion became associated with her control of my life and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I turned back to begin to look at what religion and faith could provide for my life.

So I turned to Buddhism and meditation.  I understand now that there are common threads to institutionalized religion.  And for my part, I run somewhere between Catholicism and Buddhism today.  As part of my pilgrimage I am looking deeper into spirituality in religion.  Because it is a Catholic pilgrimage route I am trying to learn more about Christianity and the Roman Catholic Church.  I've also developed a goal to seek out Cathedrals of the Church and study them, a general study since architecture only interests me so far. 

Today I attended a Latin Mass.  It determined me to study the mysteries of this religion to gain a better understanding.  I guess, being female, I was supposed to put a lace veil upon my head when I entered.  Missed that one.  I've figured if I get up and going early enough that I can attend Mass in the morning - 7 am for regular mass at the Cathedral, 8 am for Latin Mass at the old church - then spend some time studying until Yoga classes begin at noon.  I joined a yoga program on Monday to help break the knots in my physical being so that I may lose weight and get in better shape for my journey.  There are strong meditative components in both Yoga and Mass.  And after Monday's first Yoga therapy I felt terrific, yesterday I was stiff and sore.  After Mass today, I am inspired.  I want to learn more.  If I got up early enough in the morning I could do Mass at 7 and Yoga at 8:30 and be home by 10:30 for my daily walk.  That might be a little too much at once so I am trying the 8 am Mass, Noon Yoga and time to process in-between.

Catholicism has always been important to me despite my ignorance and unwillingness to embrace it.  I have always felt that  I was born into this religion and I would always claim it to be my fundamental belief system, even if I have strayed so far that the Church would not accept me.  Faith, to me, underlies what it is to move through life and so guides me to who I am and what I can become.  I do not know or do not believe there is one right way to believe, only that there is only one way to have Faith. 

It's been a few days since I've been out walking.  This morning it was 9 below zero when I usually walk.  Saturday we met up with the goddess to walk a ways with brother and sister giant marshmallows.  That was fun.  I found later that I had a hard time not napping most of the afternoon.  Really, I was having a hard time waking up and staying awake.  Checking my blood pressure I found it quite low for me.  Since I have stopped the caffeinated drinks I love so much the caffeine has left my system.  My doctor has said I needed to quit the caffeine and I probably would not need the blood pressure medicine.  Being that I had also been having trouble climbing the stairs for being so weak I decided to cut back.  Sunday I was monitoring my bp all day and it has gone down with this change in diet, exercise, and lack of caffeine.  I feel better on a lower dose and I hope I can get all the way off the medication by this spring.  But the changes in hormones and changes in bp have had me feeling like curling up in the house for a few days.  Not to mention, silly, but I developed a big zit on top of my nose due to the lack of hormones, I suspect, and I'm waiting for that to heal completely before being seen in public!