Waiting

Waiting is awful.  I have things to do but I can hardly concentrate.  I am so ready to be on the pilgrim's trail I can hardly stand the delay.  Should I start counting hours?  I don't think I am that good at math.  I have one more essay to write for my Wars of Religion class then I am done with classes.  I have to organize in my storage garage but I think that won't take too long.  There is still some calling to cancel subscriptions and I'm rather undecided whether I should go to get my hair done again.  But I am ready to leave and the waiting is so tiresome.  Did I mention I tried to get an earlier flight?  Well, that was rather cost prohibitive.  There is plenty to keep me busy but I am still distracted and have started having nightmares again for some odd reason.  Must be the anxiety and the lack of immediate exercise.  I walked into town Saturday, 8 miles over various terrain, and it was terrific.  But I am concerned that I will have jumpy legs on the plane and there is little I can do to relax once that starts.  The best prevention seems to be not to exercise too much.  I'll be exercising a great deal soon enough.  However, getting a good physical workout could stem a large amount of my anxiety right now.  I'm so ready to leave, so, so ready to leave.  Are we there yet? 

Dreaming

I am dreaming of being in France on the pilgrim road at night.  I am transitioning to a pilgrim mindset, I think.  The daily routine of movement, thought, discovery, and subsistence.  It is very engaging to me these days and my leaving behind the immediate connections of the technological world are enticing.  It is peaceful and so much less stressful than being anxious and on the text or e-mail lines all the time.  The misty rain falls and the clouds move across the lightly greened hillsides.  There is a serenity in that lack of modern communications that makes me want to leave the modern world behind and join the pilgrims' road as a medieval wanderer.  Of course, without the hardships inherent in banditry and sleeping outside. 

The agony of patience

Time is slipping by quickly.  I am ready to go and repacking my backpack every other day.  I have storage garage organization to complete and my classes to finish up.  Also I have little reading material for my summer session classes lined up as yet.  Talk about last minute arrangements!  I have been exhausted simply from the strain of organizing, then I realize I can't find something that I need now, before I leave, and frustration ensues.  Well, it will all work out, and I will repack again tomorrow, but it would probably be better if I start living out of my backpack now so I don't get so confused every time I need something that I clearly have duplicates of because of my packing organization (one set to leave here, one set to take with me). 

My anxiety about travel is the most difficult.  I don't like to fly much at all.  Once I am on the ground I think I will be much better.  Once I get to Le Puy I think I will be ready.  But my stomach is in knots and I can't seem to sleep a night through.  This too shall pass.  I still have dental pain in my jaw.  I hope it isn't infection and just soreness from all the drilling on it. 

But the weather has been good here. The giant marshmallow has enjoyed playing with her cousins.  And I have moved out of the rat race, which feels great.  Time will pass and I will soon be on my way.  Thank God!

Trust

What is it about trusting others that enables people to have so little integrity?  How did it ever end up that putting trust in another person meant that ultimately you would be disappointed?  I wonder if this has always been so and the ideal is simply a notion that has no basis in the real world.  Otherwise cliche's such as 'dog eat dog world' wouldn't exist, right?  Generosity isn't appreciated, it is taken advantage of.  Dedication and loyalty are found so infrequently as to be almost non-existent.  Well, I decided to push back and not trust to someone elses integrity.  I've been taken advantage of too often perhaps.  But nothing is truly worth the benefit to someone else at my expense.  We shall see.  I am sad.  I am disappointed.  But I am also empowered.  I am saying that I am not going to give what is mine to someone simply because I want some thing.  They can meet me half-way and be fair. 

Not much time

I have passed the one month to go mark and I am getting nervous.  Suddenly I have so much to do.  I tried to get everything ready before April so that I would not feel so pressed for time but it has come and is almost mid-way through the month and I am beginning to get anxious.  If panic sets in I will be in real trouble.  Tomorrow morning I go in for a (surprise) root canal.  Oh joy!  At least it is before I go and I won't have tooth pain (I hope) for three months.  Then my annual physical, two tests for my classes, and get moved out of my rental.  Wow.  I am really counting the days. 

Promises and opportunities

It is funny how the most terrific things begin to happen when a few changes are made for the better.  Tough changes though they may be, they can create a landslide of positive opportunities that seem to crop up at the most exciting times.  The changes I made were to reconstruct my life by starting a new direction, confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness, and working to make myself a happier person all around by recognizing my own faults and limitations.  Yet since I began this effort my life has changed so dramatically for the better it can hardly be said that there is no greater power at work.  Whatever you recognize the power as being there is something in the universe that guides our paths and opens doors when they have been locked.  That reaction is engaging and creates a chain reaction that seems to keep on going the more involved I become with the positive direction I am to take. 

Risk is required for the changes to occur.  The greater the changes, the greater the risk.  Mistakes are inherent but the outcome of effort is always rewarded if not gloriously, then it is rewarded with insight.  The promise of a better existence, a heaven on earth, or an ultimate goal is waiting.  Somewhere between heaven and earth is where I find my peace.  And I have everything I need right here and now. 

An opportunity arose this past weekend.  I agonized one night over the choice.  I asked if I was holding on to a past that I should move on from.  Yet I think the past is so vitally important and a grounding is vital to human existence.  I chose to accept the opportunity.  It is exciting.  I will have my grounding, and I have my wings.  How better to explore heaven and earth?!