Change

I love change.  It keeps life interesting.  But then when there are unknowns I worry so that change causes me stress.  Last week I called my landlord to ask if he would let me out of my lease.  I don't think I left the message real coherently and I probably did not say all that I meant to say when I left the message.  I haven't heard back yet.  Then I don't know if I will get one of the two jobs I applied for anyway.  And I do enjoy staying in this house.  I know the area and there are so many places I can take the giant marshmallow hiking when we have the time to do so.  It would be fine to stay here but then I worry about the 'what ifs' should I get offered a job or I want to move to the lake for the winter for a change of scenery.  So once again I am in a pickle about the future and I think I worry too much about it.  I get crabby and then I don't have a good time at anything I do and I tend to neglect things I should do.  Really I should trust that I am on the right path and what needs to happen will happen when it is the right time for it to happen. 

Sunday

We made another 9 miles in the new shoes today.  The giant marshmallow is funny sometimes.  When we walk along and don't see anyone she gets into a good pace at my side.  If we pass someone on the trail she perks up and gets excited, then wants to play tug-of-war with the leash.  It is as though she wakes from her meditation refreshed and ready to go despite the miles she has already walked.  I am sure she was exhausted yesterday and tired today but that doesn't slow her down when she sees new people on the trail. 

I have had little profound thinking lately.  It has been enjoyable this weekend to simply feel good when I am walking and tired after.  I was very footsore yesterday but not joint sore and that is exactly where I should be in my training.  The new shoes make a big difference and being that I am almost done with full-time work I am enthusiastic about hitting the longer trails in the wilderness area too.  I am interested to see how it will go with the giant marshmallow to be on those narrow trails with their rocky outcrops, rough terrain, and big ups and downs.  She is a bit clumsy overall.  Maybe next weekend we will make a point of it. 

A long walk

Just got back from a 14 mile walk in my new shoes.  It's the furthest I've gone so far.  I didn't think I would go that far but it was a nice morning and I have little to do the rest of the day.  The shoes worked great and though I would expect to have sore feet after walking 14 miles I don't have any sore joints, and I felt I was walking the way I was made to walk for the first time in a long time today.  I've started  a paper record of the miles I walk each day, and have added my blood pressure when I get back (for my doctor of course because I want to get off the blood pressure pills before the trip).  I want to see how far I go before the shoes start to wear out. 

I brought a leg bone back for the giant marshmallow.  She has been restless during the week so I hope the bone lasts a while.  She gets so excited to see all those cow bones and loves to play.  If I let her she will take the bones just off the trail in the woods and bury them - better tasting after they have softened in the ground for a while I guess.  I am going to watch a movie while I eat my baked potato and bacon soup then go sit in my chair and read till I fall asleep. 

Born under a wandering star

I woke this morning with the old Lee Marvin song "I was born under a wandering star" from the movie Paint Your Wagon in my head.  I suppose it is because we discussed this subject at book club last night.  Paint Your Wagon is one of my all-time favorite movies.  If you have never seen it I highly recommend it.  The wanderer is a type of person who follows his dreams and desires; enjoys life to its fullest; spends his time with others like him on the road of life; lives, loves, and moves on as the wind takes him.  I've done this a time or two in my life and I can say I have never been happier than when I have been completely free and wandering. There is a feeling that takes you with it on the wind and sends you on to experience all that life can throw at you with enthusiasm and desire to live it.  There is comraderie in your fellow wanderers that never goes away, even if you fall off the wagon and return to the common life.  You can always get back on and go wandering again.  The spirit follows you whereever you go.  Perhaps that is what grabs me so.  I was never so free as the time I ran away to the mountains for a week and did not tell anyone where I went.  I simply disappeared to the wilderness and the wilderness took me in.  It cradled me and it comforted me and it spit me back out a stronger person.  In the world today I forget that I can go back there and find peace.  If I was "born under a wandering star" then that is where my happiness will always lie.

Also, from my favorite book series by JRR Tolkein:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

A wandering life

I think I've always liked to wander.  When I was young my dad let me take the boat out whenever I wanted.  I would go off and explore around the lake or go to places I liked to be and just sit there.  It was a big lake so there were lots of places to go.  For the last 30 years I have been trying to fit into the social organization of being an adult in this world and it simply doesn't seem to work for me.  I need to explore and to wander, to go places and make new friends.  It's essential to who I am.  Living the work-a-day world isn't really me.  I want to learn new things, share those things with others, and explore the great wonder that is the world today.  It is clear to me that I cannot be satisfied with what I have and not want more.  The wanting is not a material want but a spiritual want - a want to fill my life with the good things and the challenges that adventure can bring.  So, here I go, off into the world to find that wonder. 

Nightmares and daydreams

I had a dream last night that was very real.  I felt everything in the dream.  I was being attacked by what my mind referred to as a lion but I can only assume was a saber-toothed tiger.  I saw and felt the long front canines pierce my ribcage and tear into my abdomen.  I felt myself dying.  I was screaming in my dream and I woke up.  Where in the world would such a dream come from? 

As I walked this morning I enjoyed looking at the pink clouds in the sky with the dawn, the shapes of the tops of the trees against the blue of the morning sky, and I saw a red-tailed hawk sitting at the crest of a pine tree searching the ground below for his breakfast.  I think about the Camino most of the time when I walk and I am looking forward to the adventure so much.  I have been thinking of going to the City next weekend so I can see the movie The Way.  I have things I need to bring to my sister's house to store there anyway and I would, I think, enjoy a weekend away.

I usually forgot all the things I think of to post while I am walking.  There was something good this morning that I wanted to share and now I have forgotten.  I try to think of what the ground will look like, and the countryside in Spain and I imagine how I might feel as I spend each day with a goal to walk and nothing else.  I found my Gregory backpack yesterday but am thinking perhaps I will want the Osprey instead.  I need to make sure whatever I take can be taken on the plane and maybe the Osprey is too long.  I look forward to being done with my job so I can walk more, think more, day-dream more and still get my schoolwork done.  Ha!

A friend found out his divorce was final yesterday and he was very elated.  We celebrated by texting each other.  It is so hard to have your life put on hold for whatever reason, and not to be able to seek out your future openly and with the full concentration of your intentions.

Bones

Walked 11 miles this morning.  The giant marshmallow found the bones of a cow killed along the trail.  Perhaps it is a sign of a mountain lion visitation or perhaps the cow simply died along the trail.  The giant marshmallow was very excited by finding bones.  She loves bones.  She chose a nice long rib bone and happily carried it down the trail, occassionally tossing it in the air and once in a while taking a bite out of the tip.  Eventually she wanted to sit down and work on it but that wasn't part of the morning plan so we had to leave the bone behind. 

She remembered a creek close to the trail about 5 miles out and went straight for a drink today.  Then she wanted to take a swim in the pond but I didn't trust her on that.  Later as we walked past the creek she wanted to try another new spot and nearly pulled me in with her.  She's getting more bold about what she wants and far be it for me to object if she is determined. 

I was thinking about those who criticize my choices in lifestyle and direction.  For some reason the criticisms really get under my skin when it is someone I admire, respect or feel close to.  It gets really crazy in my perspective when the same people who criticize openly share their admiration for certain aspects of my choices that are actually intrinsic to the rest of my lifestyle.  I wonder if these peope are simply not happy or if it has become part of their lifestyle to criticize what they do not understand.  I am going to try to let criticism slide off me from now on so that I have the greatest potential to obtain my objective as possible. 

Age

I think that when we are young we do all the crazy stuff and experiment all over the place to discover who we are and what our direction in life may be.  Then as we reach middle age we begin to focus on what we have always wanted to do, our path is refined and we build a direction.  Anyone who accomplishes these two steps earlier than middle age is very lucky to have found direction and focus so early.  Most of us, I think, flounder and experiment for a very long time.

Yesterday would have been my father's 70th birthday, or 68th birthday - I can never be sure of which year he was born.  He was pushed by his mother into a working field that was not his first choice.  But I think by the time he was in his 40's he was a happy person.  I don't think he ever really did what he wanted to in that life.  It is surprising to me how many people simply accept life as it is and just make do.  I don't quite know what it is about my personality that doesn't allow me to simply accept a life and forces me to find what really invigorates my self.  I go a little stir crazy when I look at just maintaining the way things are without creating something new and interesting to look forward to.

Shoes

I went to a specialty store yesterday to look at getting some new shoes that I can test out for the trip.  My thought was that some running/walking shoes may be better than hiking boots.  I have had a lot of hiking boots and if the terrain isn't bouldery I know that I will do better with running/walking shoes.  The saleswomen had some good observations about how I walk and what might work better for my journey.  Since running shoes last 300-500 miles I might be able to get by with one pair but later a friend mentioned that if the shoes are not heavy it might be worthwhile to carry two pairs, an extra pair for if the first pair are wet or worn.  I think this sounds good to me.  I ordered a pair of running shoes that will help keep my foot from rolling inward and thus keep my walking straighter and cause less joint and muscle discomfort.  I'm looking forward to trying them out.  I had planned to spend around $300 on footwear and I think this will come in about right if I get a pair now and then 2 new pairs prior to going to Spain. 

I could tell the difference just walking in the store with a too-narrow pair so I am excited to see what a difference a new wide pair of shoes will make. My feet hurt every day and I've still got some problems with my hip, though not as bad.  I think the way the shoes are designed will help straighten out my walking pattern.  I am also having trouble with a very tight tendon on my left leg that may be from overcompensating on my right side. Perhaps adjusting for this right foot rolling will correct the imbalance. 

Another day

I have been so relieved since I turned in my resignation.  Much of my depression has lifted and my outlook is so much more positive that I cannot believe I waited so long to do this.  I should have gone to Spain this year and resigned last winter.  But things, I believe, happen for a reason and this is now my time to make change happen for me. 

I have two girls staying with me while their mother is on vacation.  I thought it would be a good distraction, but instead it is becoming something of a frustration.  The younger girl is so manipulative and demanding to be the center of attention that she has developed habits that continuously get her into trouble in order to get attention.  She is resistant to hygiene claiming incapacity and hence the couch in this house, not very clean in the first place, now smells of urine and I am disgusted.  The older daughter is wonderful and one of the best adjusted youth of her age that I know - and I know a number of children.  This too shall pass.

This morning I had the opportunity to walk with the giant marshmallow a full 6 miles without the accompaniment of children and it was wonderful.  I can hardly wait until I can do this every day.  It is so beautiful out in the fall and the temperatures are so moderate that walking is a pleasure no matter how far I can go.

The goddess came over yesterday with her two monkeys and it was such a nice afternoon having them visit.  It really helped my perspective on the girls I am watching.  I very much enjoy visiting with the goddess.  She has invited me for Thanksgiving and I have told her that I am going to adopt her as my family. 

Killing time

I am watching two of my girlfriends daughters for two weeks.  It's going to be hard not following my own schedule.  Me and the marshmallow only did 2 miles this morning because we had to get back to make breakfast.  I really want to go for a longer walk. 

The boys were here for the hot tub last night.  What a difference college makes.  It's their time to explore their own humanity.  A bit scary for a mom but life is about the journey....

Today

Up early today to walk 5 miles under the light of the full moon.  We missed our walk yesterday because I had a dental appointment so early in the morning.  The giant marshmallow was a bit stir crazy without walking in the morning.  But today made up for it. 

I agreed to watch a friends two girls for two weeks yesterday.  I hope this was a good idea.  I adore the girls but being girls they do fight.  And, they have to be to school and be fed and kept entertained too.   I guess I think their presence may be enough of a distraction that I will be better focused on what needs to get done daily so I am not off watching movies so often.  I hope this works.  Plus they can help me organize at my storage garage on the weekend.  It may be easier for them to climb through all the clutter to get to the things I need to collect better than it would be for me.  I wish I had thought to put the camping gear nearer the front of the garage instead of against the back wall, or at least been thoughtful enough to get the stuff I will need for the trip to Spain out of the tubs before I put them away.  Oh well.  I should also collect my photographs and send them with my sister to store in her house so they aren't in the temperature extremes of the garage.  Lots of things to do and I hope it will be beneficial to have the girls with me. 

Decisions

I believe I have come to a decision to make a major change now rather than to wait.  I just hate my job so much I think it will be better if I leave as soon as possible.  It isn't the job I dislike as some of the people I have to work with.  And for that reason I will be better off, and I hope a happier person, if I get away.  Plus, if I continue much longer I am afraid I will do or say something that I will regret for a long time.  Perhaps I have already waited too long.  I am going to try to get out of my rental lease and maybe I will go north for a while and rest my mind.  I have to prioritize and to me my schooling must come first if I am ever going to make a successful change.  If I have to stay here maybe I can get a job in town to keep my expenses under control until I go to Spain.  I have a board meeting tonight.  I wonder if the time is right to make the change official....

10 miles today

It's a misty, wet morning but we hit the trail and made it to the 10 mile mark today.  It was terrific.  I love it when the clouds cover the tops of the hills and the mist is so light it feels like humidity. 

Twenty years

Today I have lived in these hills for 20 years.  It is also the anniversary of my father's death 23 years ago today.  I have missed him every day.  I can't say the last 20 years has been good to me but I can say I have learned a lot and I am a different person than I was before I came.  I don't think I've ever gotten over the loss of my father and I have never found someone to fill that space despite years of effort to do so.  I miss him so much. 

Monday morning

Mondays I am such an unhappy person.  I dread Mondays because I have to go back to work.  But it isn't a simple dread of a work-a-day routine.  It makes me so incredibly unhappy to have to go to work that I know I desperately need a change.  You know the work isn't really all that bad.  But I think the things that have taken place there over the last couple of years have destroyed my dedication and desire to make a difference and so my interest has been lost and I no longer wish to perform my duties to the growth and advancement of the position. 

I walked 8 miles yesterday.  I didn't want to walk at all but I did want to go further than I had last weekend.  I may not want to walk but I do it anyway because I have a goal and that is to go to the Camino.  With my job I no longer have something to work toward.  There is little to nothing that holds my interest.  So I go now to maintain the business as it is until such time as I can afford to leave.  But every day I dread going there and every day I come home exhausted.  Maybe leaving sooner rather than later would help.  I really do not know. 

Inevitability

Do you know that feeling you get when you meet someone and it feels like it wasn't just chance that brought you to that place and time to connect with this person?  It happened this morning on my walk that I met with a young woman I know and she started talking about her indecision about a direction in her life.  I had such an odd feeling that this was meant to happen.  So I went with it and had a nice talk with her.  She is at a crossroad in her life and is looking for direction.  Far be it for me to be a guide but what I could tell her was that she would not find her answer in any one solution.  Life is many choices made every day and by making the choice to do one thing today won't solve your concerns about tomorrow.  You do the best you can and hope the best will come. 

I am also learning that by taking care of myself, making myself happy, brings better things into my life as well.  I walked 5 miles today and I am going to go upstairs and stretch and meditate before my shower.  Then I will run my errands and come home to read.  It is Saturday and that means it is my day to relax and get caught up in my reading.  It will be a good day.